Father Hooper.

Email written by Miguel Angel Torres explaining why he became Ex-Catholic in 1993: 

During my senior year in High School he disappeared. I asked about him. I was told that he was no longer a Catholic priest. I had developed a special relationship with him for two years. He was the one who had comforted me after the detention beating in 1991. He was a spiritual and academic counselor. Trusted him. I had come out to him. Told him that I was "lustfully aroused" by the naked bodies of other boys in the showers. He said that he understood because he shared a similar challenge with same sex attraction. 

One thing led to another.

(Cannavis became solance.)

He was 31/33. I was 16/18.

1992. Age 17. My mother refused to be photographed with me unless I removed my face piercings and covered my green-purple dyed hairdo with a hat...🫣

After he dissapeared, I looked him up and called. He told me what had happened: He went to the Bishop in [redacted] and told him that he had a crisis of faith and therefore was not confident he could perform as a spiritual guide for his students. That he struggled with same gender attraction feelings. The Bishop fired him on the spot. 

It was the final straw. 

The last words Father Hooper spoke to me: "Right now you are young, but you will come to realize that everything is defensible."

This was the reason why a year later I left Roman Catholicism.

Mvh, 

Miguel.

(C) The Order of Jude: 2011, 2024.  Andrew(s) N. Moran, Miguel Angel Torres. Manuel Mendoza. Jaime Varela. Nicolas Ponce, Emmanuel Goldstein. 

A collaborative project. 

(automatic bondage movement autobio) ♤ 《《《

By Miguel Angel Torres (Andrew/s Nicolas Moran), edited by Emmanuel Goldstein. 

Miguel (Andrew/s) is NOT a Sadist, only someone who has survived real Sadists and who played with their benevolent BDSM parody... 

In the following account; some names have been changed and some details have been omitted in order to preserve confidentiality. All else is accurate as far as I remember, but keep in mind that anecdotes based on memory constitute an expression of historiographical subjectivity. 

§§§

PORNOGRAPHY IS THE FEMINISM OF THE FUTURE / Camille Paglia

Quote from Paglia: "Thus feminism blames rape on pornography and, by a smug circularity of reasoning, interprets outbreaks of sadism as a backlash to itself. But rape and sadism have been evident throughout history and, at some moment, in all cultures." 

***Watch iconic post-feminist Camille Paglia explain her views in a 2017 CBC interview HERE...

♤♤♤

>>> April 1999 - February 2001 <<<

/ Amsterdam /

》The Lived Experience of Gay Freedom in Youth 《

Legendary leather bar Argos closed on January 2, 2015. It was the oldest leather bar in Europe. The Argos was originally located at 22 Warmoesstraat, Amsterdam. It opened in 1957 as a guesthouse. Over the years it relocated to Warmoesstraat 95.

(it was for the most part a tourist attraction... the real action for locals was in the private parties. the argos was only a networking hub...to hook up for the parties...it was an honor to be invited...) 

On the Y2K Milleniums Eve (December 31, 1999) I was there for the first part of the festivities before going on to a Reclaim The Streets demo-rave, a warehouse progressive trance party and finally to a Break Beat after-hours that lasted until 12 noon on January 1. 

  >>>> Miguel Angel Torres (Andrew(s) Nicolas Moran) in June 1999... \\\

The party started at 22 hrs and ended at 4 in the morning on weekends, 3 in the morning on weekdays.

(... some private parties would go on for a couple of days... on December 31, 2000 - the millenniums eve that counted - i was asked first to a private party at the legendary stable master hotel nearby (Warmoesstraat #23) and from there ended up in a loft pent-house "rubber duckie" gathering where i was introduced to the dutch version of the "gay rodeo" fetish; naked 17 and 18 year olds rode on the backs of rubber-men as if they were ponies ... ) 

The 'No perfume' sign a the entrance was iconic. At the Argos men had to smell like men. BDSM fun for all ages.  The basement darkroom with its side cabins was a must.  The style of decor was what I call Leather-Queer dungeon. 

 HOME OF THE SLING

(the basement dark rooms are were I was informally inducted into proper gay fetish in 2000 - no inhibitions, let your kink loose, play and be played with...let go...)

I usually arrived on Tram 9, occassionally on Tram 4.

(one night i hooked up with a guy on #4, but i hear "the cruising tram" for gay fetish was #10... never found out for sure...) 

From "rubber duckie" (technically, it refers to the use of bathtub rubber ducks as dildoes, but not exclusively) I graduated into the hardcore spanking scene. 

______

The background: In 1991 (at age 16), I was subjected to a pants down beating at catholic school detention. The three of us who were disciplined with a strop that afternoon received the beatings openly in the detention class to serve as examples. I was in detention that afternoon for smoking a cigarette on school grounds. The other two were there for fighting in the parking lot. Each of us got 20 hard licks with a leather belt. 

_____

     Miguel Angel Torres in October 2000

In 2000, I developed an affair with one of my business school instructors in Amsterdam, his name was Aadrian. It was he whom I met at Argos that night on December 31, 2000. He just happened to be there when I arrived, it was unplanned. He asked me to stay with him, and at around 2 AM into the new millenium; I followed him to the Stable Master hotel for an after-hours with some of his Australian friends (all into the Western Bondage scene) and from there we went to a rubber duckie gathering at a pent-house loft elsewhere in Amsterdam. It was from the Australians ("We are Australian money" one of them told me) that I learned about the spanking scene . I was at a loss...why would anyone want to be caned or strapped for fun and pleasure? I told the Australians and Aadrian that I had been subjected to a very painful strapping at catholic school at age 16. Aadrian laughed and replied that his father routinely beat him NAKED with a belt from age 6 to age 16 as a form of discipline.

The leather and rubber guys who are into the spanking kink are members of "the brotherhood of the belt & paddle"; those of us who experienced the pants down treatment as boys. The kink is meant to transmute the memory and psychological impact of humiliation by turning spanking into a bondage game. Like turning the word "queer" from a pejorative to a term of pride. To be part of the brotherhood is a source of pride. A couple of weeks later, I was inducted by  one of the Australians into the Western bondage version of the kink: I was subjected to the Montana Flogging (the punishment for underage boys who stole horses in the 19th century West). The gay kink version was 20 licks of the strap followed by 20 licks of the horse whip. The historical version was a harsher 30 by 30. 

The era of the leatherbar was ended by the dating app. Grindr and Growlr killed The Argos. Progress. It is easier to meet people and hook up on an app.The gay leather bar lost its reason for existence and consequently its business. 

(no need for the bar when you can go directly from the app to the private party) 

... And Gay leather subculture ceased to exist as a postmodern urban tribe... 

(it split into specific kink niches...)

/////

Montana Flogging Experience (Rotterdam,  January 2001). 

The master was JD Allen. He was 36 at the time I was inducted. He was from Australia and into the Western bondage kink. This subculture is a subset of the gay BDSM scene particular to North America and Australia. JD sported a cowboy hat, tight Wrangler jeans and snake skin boots. Instead of a necktie, he wore a bolo. He played loud American country music when he performed his arts. In the Western bondage spanking scene they focus on the horse whip and the leather strap. But JD's specialty was the Montana Flogging. Allegedly, this was the punishment for  boys under 18 who engaged in cattle rustling in Montana during the 19th and early 20th century. JD stripped me naked, had me lay flat on my stomach on a bench, bound my hands and feet with rope and stuffed a rag in my mouth, ostensibly to muzzle the screams. He went at my ass with a strap and then a horse whip that afternoon. I screamed, moaned and squirmed during the length of the beating. I took 20 licks of the strap and 20 licks of the horse whip. The pain and humiliation where overwhelming. I was 24 years old at the time. This was initiation into the Western bondage kink spanking scene...

My last spanking experience as passive took place in Stockholm during the 2006 Pride. I was  31. I spent one evening at a gay BDSM venue where the basement was a bondage playground. In the venue's lounge there was a screen featuring BDSM films. I sat on a leather couch watching next to a Swedish leatherman. He offered me poppers, stripped me naked, placed me across his knee and spanked me by hand - hard. My ass was so sore afterwards that I could not sit on the Tunnelbana (Stockholm subway) back to town... 

♤

Articles by Camille Paglia @Salon

___

(c) The Order of Jude: Andrew(s) Nicolas Moran, Miguel Angel Torres, Manuel Mendoza, Jaime Varela, Miguel Amanda and Emmanuel Goldstein. 

A collaborative project. 

POST-PANDEMIC DREAMS

                                Juli

§§§

December 26 to January 7

I was asleep on my side; facing towards the wall, my back to the room. My intuitive self awoke, while my physical body slept. Then I heard footsteps outside the door to the room. Someone entered (without opening the door), and walked to where the bed is. My intuitive self "saw" him. A teenage boy about the age of 15, blond hair, blue eyes. Said his name was L°dw°g (?) and then (in Swedish): "Tell [redacted] the Judge is dead" (berätta för min [redacted] att domaren är död). I said, "I will do so friend." My intuitive self rejoined physical sleep. A dream about happy times. 

§§§

>>> // Sabbatique \\ <<<

October 31 Samhain

Ancient Germanic tribes believed that trees have souls... 

               HATE IS AN INDULGENCE. 

\\\ Rave parties where invented in the 1990's by people in their early twenties. Their aim had been to create holes in the fabric of reality through which they could disappear. Orbital Parties. \\\

...I was having tea with Marie the Dominatrix, back in Amsterdam. We talked about the men she spanked. She was telling me that her dominant girlfriend Benita was a butch leather diesel dyke...

November 27

                    SANTERIA NORDICA

Fortuna-Chango (Lady of Tarot) contextualised by Solar & Lunar Zodiac signae. Yngvi creator. Freya female principle. Oden male principle. Tyr martyr. Thor-Elegua warrior. Vidoar forest silence. . 

§§§§

SAMHAIN HOLOCAUST

Samhain, Sauin or Oíche Shamhna was an ancient Gaelic festival celebrated for 3 days and three nights beggining on 1 November. It marked the end of the harvest season and the beginning of winter ("dark half" of the year). In the 9th Century, Pope Gregory declared October 31 All Hallows Eve, or Halloween... thus Samhain and All Hallows Eve were merged into a one day holiday. 

[Sources: Wikipedia, History Channel]

Witches, sorcerers and demons were said to gather for a Sabbat on the eve of Samhain All Hallows at 3 AM.

Matthew 4:8-9

...King Asmodeus version of the Unholy Scriptures... 

8 "Finally, The Devil took Jesus to a very high mountain. He showed him all the kingdoms of the world and their glory. 9 “If you [kneel before my butt] and [rim me arse],” he said, “I will give you all this..."

Sabbat: In mediæval demonology, the nocturnal (3 AM) assembly in which demons and sorcerers were thought to celebrate their orgies.

§§§

October 20. 3:43 AM. Helheim.

It was the summer of 2009. I was with Rasmus, he who said "there is no action in Sweden" when he left me to move back to LA six months later. We stood on the shore of lake Vänern. Bright Juli sun. I was holding him in my arms. I said "you are mine". Then I noticed a bright red blood flow coming out of his right ear...it reminded me of castration with a sharp blade.  

Revenge, envy, greed and egoism are indulgences that have to be paid for. There is no way around having to pay for indulgences. The deterninistic nature of this law is as draconian as is the case with THE LAW OF DEVOTION (the Western occult counterpart to the Law of Karma as contextualized by Samsara). 

This is why Martin Luther stood against the sale indulgences and why Mahatma Ghandi stated that "an eye for an eye makes everyone blind..." The syncrétisme Mormon-Arian Jesus that I follow was adamant about forgiveness as a form of positive impunity... 

Sadly, the end result of Forgive & Forget is Regret...because they will not appreciate it or reciprocate with restitution. 

But yeah; revenge is an indulgence. 

The Global Tower Moment is inevitable. 

          BETWEEN SAMHAIN AND YULE

                         (Numerology) 

               2024-11-19   8/2/1  11/22

                      NOVEMBER 19TH

                             (Astrology) 

  /// Capricorn moves from Pluto to Aquarius ///

...ONLY THE FATHER KNOWS THE DAY AND THE HOUR SAID THE CHRIST... 

§§§

October 13

The evening before I had been watching the film Azrael (2024). A non confessional psych-horror take on Left Behind and the birth of The Devil on Earth in the years after The Rapture.

                     

                          AZRAEL (2024)

§§§

October 10

"In the dream I was back at the student pub... It was the decor from Våren '22. It was crowded. Come As You Are by Nirvana. LOUD. People were smoking from Turkish pipes. Hashish?  We were standing. He had emerald green eyes. Mid-20's? He reminded me of Diego. He pinched my ass. I grabbed his crotch. He smiled and said "endast för tjejerna... but you can lick my arse."

Anilingus: How to Eat Ass. 

                CIRCLE OF ANILINGUS. 

            The mysteries of rimming... 

A contributor to this weblog has been inducted into Alchemy in October 2000, into Norse Shamanism in September of 2021 and into The Church of Satan in September 2024 through the performance of a type of Auroboreal Anilingus involving four Tantric positions, as exposed in the homosexual Kama Sutra. 

***WARNING: Rimming is NOT something one does with everybody. Be careful with STI's. 

§§§§

October 11

An erect penis. 

A sharp blade. 

Castration! 

A gusher of DARK RED BLOOD. 

...A portent of the Global Tower Moment omen... 

[***In Tarotism and Cartomancy the concept of the Global Tower Moment is associated with The Christian Apocalypse and the Norse Rägnarok.]

§§§§

September 30 

... Enveloped by a grey mist. They stood before me with their eyes closed. An Afghan, an Iraqi, a North African, a Yugoslavian. One of them mouthed the word "refouled"... Yusuf is among them. He walks with them at ˈTuo̯nelɑ...

By the river of Tuonela (Tuonelan joella) by Akseli Gallen-Kallela, 1903. Wikipedia.

Tuonela, Tuoni, Manala: (Finnish: ˈtuo̯nelɑ) The land of the dead or the Underworld in pre-Christian Finnish mythology. The dead walk in Tuonela as shadow-like ghosts. Tuoni, god of the dead, and his wife Tuonetar are the rulers of Tuonela.The dead must cross the river Tuoni to enter, either by a thread bridge, swimming, or taking a boat piloted by the daughter of Tuoni. The river is guarded by a black swan that sings death spells. Like the Norse Helheim; Tuonela is located North and Shamans can visit it to gather knowledge of spells. The journey of the Shaman required a trip through dangerous aetheteal woods (similar to Helvgr), and the defeat of the monster Surma, a flesh-tearing monster that works for the goddess of decay, Kalma. 

§§§

September 24 

       Not in "1991" but in 1902.

§§ Tarot: 9 of Swords: The Lord of Cruelty §§

>>> source of Tarot image: Wikipedia, you can purchase a copy of the U. S. Games Rider-Waite Tarot deck HERE <<<

The dream sequence: I was back in Amsterdam, at the Argos. I was making my way to the darkroom basement. Then inside the dream I relieved a memory. That night when I was a begginner in June 1999. A leather skinhead sporting pink doc martens claimed me (boot-in-crotch style) and whisked me away into the darkness to have his way with me... except that in the dream the Argos darkroom dissolved and I emerged at the assembly of horse farm stable boys during the original fin de siècle. HA! HA! HA!...the real flogging took place there... I heard the voice of Aadrian K.: "It was not about the pain, it was about the humiliation..." I awoke bewildered. 

§§§§

Dreams of September 11 to 15, 2024

(Helheim-Tuonela) 

I heard my mother's voice very clearly: 

"Te quedan dos meses nada mas..."

Sweden said to me: "You burned our crops..." 

I replied to Sweden: "You burned my books..."

§§§§

Dream of September 1, 2024

(Nidaros Område, Norge) 

I was inside RS. Shades down. A knock on the door. It was A. L. He had several boxes of food and supplies to deliver to me. I said: "It was your fault, you are the one who gave me the radio and the phone." Then Jonas appeared as he looked back in 2010 (but I called him Rasmus). He was bewildered and looked traumatised. 

§§§§

Dream of July 14, 2024

(Lofoten, Norge) 

I was sitting on the porch balcony at RS. I said to A. L. : "I will wait until the electricity comes back". A. L. replied: "nothing is coming back".

§§§§

Dream of May 9, 2023

(Åstorp, Sweden) 

2 YEARS.

ENERGY.

Western Doom.

18 Months. 

§§§§

Dream of October 22, 2022

(Uppsala, Sweden) 

An old scout knive stuck in a molehill.

An old psychotic man.

Three dogs on a leash.

An enclosed garden.

§§§§

Dream of February 7, 2022

(Halmstad, Sweden) 

My mother was sitting at the wheel of a 50s vintage car. One hand on the wheel and one hand on the seat upholstery. She was talking to me. All of the suddent she became silent and seemingly fell asleep. I yelled at her to wake up. I ran to the other side of the car, opened the passenger door and shook her. I realised that she was dead.

Then out of my right side; a car appeared advancing at top speed and hit me. I died.

I found myself standing, looking at my mother sitting at the drivers seat of the 50s vintage car. She was alive and smiling.

In death I wore shades. 

_____

https://deadmanjournal2.blogspot.com/p/dream-transcripts.html

(C) 2011, 2024.  Miguel Angel Torres. Manuel Mendoza. Jaime Varela. Nicolas Ponce, Emmanuel Goldstein.